Sex and Relations

I can only have an orgasm when I masturbate, not when I’m with my boyfriend. Why?

Published 1/10/2010 | Updated 1/10/2010

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I’ve never been able to have an orgasm with anyone. But when I masturbate, I can have one no problem. It feels like something is blocked every time I get close. I’ve tried most things and know what I like and I usually get properly aroused and wet, but I still never manage to go all the way. This is really hard on my boyfriend, who feels inadequate.

There are a number of differences between masturbation and having sex with a partner, which mean that it can be more difficult in the one situation than it is in the other. It may, for example, be a question of the way you have sex. Try to use your experiences of masturbation. What do you do then and what do you enjoy most? The vast majority of women stimulate their clitoris differently during masturbation and that is also the way most women have an orgasm if they have sex with another person. Do the same thing when you and your boyfriend have sex, or show him how you want to be caressed. If I’ve understood you correctly, the difficulties may not lie here in your case.

Problems having an orgasm in a particular situation can also be due to the level of arousal and how much your head and thoughts are involved. If your mind is not on the actual pleasure but on other things, it can be hard reaching orgasm. You write that “something is blocked”. You could also say that something “kicks in”, i.e. your conscious thoughts such as: Will it work this time? Try to push away these thoughts and try just to have thoughts in your head that relate to your enjoyment and what’s making you more aroused.

Also try not to think about how your boyfriend feels. Focus on yourself and not his feelings of inadequacy. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t care about each other, but your concern for him could lead to a stress that holds you back. Try to see it as: Your pleasure is important to you, not a gift to him to show that he’s a good lover.

Once you get this to work, you’ll probably find that the problems you describe will fade away. It might feel insurmountable at the moment, but if I’m right, it’s only a few short moments that you need to gain control of. Try to go into your head and shut out everything else around you – perhaps even your boyfriend for a moment.

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