Sex and Relations

I’m jealous, what can I do to stop it?

Published 1/10/2010 | Updated 1/10/2010

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I’ve been in a lesbian relationship with a girl for a while now. It’s all good apart from one thing. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she’d been with other girls before she met me. All I think about is when she’s going to move on to the next girl. It makes me feel uneasy when she goes out on her own. I know it’s mad, but the thoughts run around in my head. I don’t know why. What can I do?

Jealousy can cause problems in a relationship both for the person who is jealous and the partner of someone who is jealous. It’s excellent that you’re trying to get to grips with it before it has a bad effect on you, your girlfriend and your relationship.

Jealousy can have many different causes and it’s important that you think about why you’re having these thoughts. It may be that you’re afraid of losing your girlfriend, that you’re “not enough”. Jealousy is also about control. It might help you a bit if you try to remember that she is with you of her own free will. You have both taken an independent decision that you want to be together. And if, in a relationship, you give each other lots of space and freedom and don’t control each other (which often happens if you’re jealous), it makes it even clearer that you have a shared desire to continue together.

Then you can be sure that every time she meets up with you, she does so because she wants to. You know that she isn’t getting together because she feels forced to or because she is scared of what you’ll say if she chooses to do something else, but because she wants to be with you.

I think it’s a good idea, for your own sake, for you to understand why you’ve started thinking these thoughts. It may not have had a negative effect on either your girlfriend or your relationship yet, but because you’ve written in seeking help, I understand that it’s affecting you. For some people, it can be enough to think about things on their own, but if you’ve already thought long and hard without getting anywhere, it might be worth talking to a counsellor or therapist about the issue.

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